“Breaking Free from Passive-Aggression: A Christian Approach to Emotional Healing”
When I got divorced in my 30s, I thought I was managing my emotions well. But looking back, I see how my actions—like sarcastic remarks or retreating into silence—revealed unresolved grief. I vividly remember one instance when a close friend made an innocent comment and I replied with a cutting remark. My words stung, not because of what was said, but because of the emotions I hadn’t processed.
Passive aggression became my way of coping, though I didn’t recognize it then. Instead of grieving the betrayal and loss, I tried to stay composed outwardly while struggling inwardly. I now understand that those behaviors didn’t honor God or help me heal. They were symptoms of wounds I hadn’t allowed myself to grieve.
Whether it’s through sarcasm, avoiding difficult conversations, or retreating into silence, unresolved grief has a way of spilling into our lives. Ignoring it only prolongs the pain and prevents the full healing God desires for us.
Grieving Well Means Paying Attention to Emotions
One of the most transformative lessons I’ve learned is that God gave us emotions to process, not suppress. For a long time, I believed that being a “strong Christian” meant pushing past my feelings, praying through the hurt, and avoiding the messy work of grieving. But Scripture tells us otherwise:
“There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4).
Grief isn’t a weakness—it’s a holy season where we face what’s broken and invite God into the process of making it whole again. Yet, like many of us, I had been taught to “just move on.” This mindset led to an unhealthy pattern of stuffing emotions, which didn’t make the pain go away; it only made it leak out in ways that hurt others and myself.
Peter Scazzero, in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, explains it well: “Christians who have not treated their emotions as a discipleship issue have a tendency to leak.” This struck a chord with me. For years, I thought suppressing my emotions made me resilient. But all it did was leave me spiritually and emotionally exhausted.
God reminds us in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Healing begins when we stop ignoring the pain and start trusting God with it.
Being Human Means Embracing Emotions
For years, I believed that avoiding “negative” emotions—anger, sadness, disappointment—was part of being a faithful Christian. But as I studied Scripture, I saw how Jesus embraced His emotions in a holy and authentic way.
- In John 11:35, Jesus wept at Lazarus’s tomb, showing the depth of His sorrow and compassion.
- In Matthew 26:38, He admitted His soul was “overwhelmed with sorrow” as He prepared for the cross.
These moments taught me that emotions aren’t something to hide or suppress; they’re part of being human. God doesn’t call us to deny our feelings—He calls us to bring them to Him.
When we process our emotions with God, we move from suppressing pain to surrendering it. Here’s how we can grieve well:
- Acknowledge the pain: It’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or sad. God isn’t afraid of our emotions, and we don’t need to be either. “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).
- Bring it to God: Prayer isn’t about perfect words; it’s about honest ones. King David modeled this in the Psalms, pouring out his fears, anger, and sorrow without holding back.
- Seek healthy outlets: Journaling, therapy, or confiding in a trusted friend are powerful tools for releasing emotions in ways that bring healing.
Moving Forward with Grace
Grieving well isn’t a one-time event; it’s a journey. For me, it involved unlearning unhealthy patterns like sarcasm and silence and learning to lean on God’s grace as I processed my pain. Over time, I replaced fear with trust, suppression with surrender, and passive aggression with truth.
One metaphor that resonates with me is the idea of grief as a clogged drain. When we stuff our emotions, they don’t disappear—they accumulate, creating blockages in our hearts. But when we allow God to unclog that drain, His healing love flows freely, bringing refreshment and renewal.
As Jesus invites us in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Grieving well means responding to that invitation, trusting that God will walk with us through every emotion and bring us into a place of peace and restoration.
A’s Love Note:
- Are there emotions you’ve been suppressing that God is inviting you to bring to Him?
- Reflect on how you process hurt. Are there habits—like sarcasm or silence—that could be replaced with healthier expressions?
- Speak this prayer:
“Lord, help me to grieve well and process my emotions in a way that honors You. Teach me to lean on Your grace and truth as I heal.”
