“Survival vs. Softness: How to Build Relationships That Bring Out Your Best”
Have you ever thought about the kind of relationships that bring out your best? The ones where you can let your guard down and truly feel at ease. For me, that’s what I think of as my “soft side”—the part of me that doesn’t feel like I have to be in survival mode, always strong, always on guard.
The Moment I Learned About Presence
I’ll never forget a moment years ago when I was talking to someone I was dating at the time. We were on the phone, and while he was sharing something, I was distracted, working on something at my computer. All of a sudden, he said, “Allegra, are you listening to me? You’re so wrapped up in what you’re doing, you’re not paying attention to what I’m saying.”
He was right. I wasn’t present, and I felt bad because I realized how it must have made him feel—like he didn’t matter in that moment. I could have paused my work or told him, “Hey, can I call you back when I can give you my full attention?” It was a simple thing, but it would have made all the difference.
That moment taught me a powerful lesson: being present is a way to show people they are valued. And it’s not just about romantic relationships—it applies to every connection we have. It’s kindness and courtesy, plain and simple.
What Scripture Teaches About Being Present
I believe this ties into what Scripture teaches us about how we treat others. James 1:19 says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” Being quick to listen means giving someone your full attention, not multitasking or brushing them off. It’s about being present in a way that makes others feel seen and heard.
So why is it that many of us, especially in midlife, find ourselves stuck in relationships that pull us into survival mode instead of helping us rest in our soft side?
What Does it Mean to Be Soft?
Softness doesn’t mean weakness. In a godly context, being soft means being gentle, kind, and open, even while holding onto your values and boundaries. It’s the ability to respond with grace instead of reacting with harshness, to stand firm in faith without being combative.
Each encounter we have isn’t necessarily a godly connection. That’s why it’s so important to pray for discernment. Ask God to show you whether the people you’re connecting with are part of His purpose for your life. And remember, you don’t need to force something that isn’t meant to be.
You can still embody softness in moments when you have to say, “No, this isn’t working.” It’s okay to recognize when a relationship isn’t aligned with God’s plan and to move forward in peace. Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
Four Keys to Cultivating Softness and Reciprocity
- Alignment Matters
When two people are looking for different things or aren’t on the same page, the connection often becomes one-sided. Shared expectations are key to building mutual investment. Amos 3:3 reminds us, “Can two walk together unless they agree?” Alignment in relationships is essential for moving forward in harmony. - Healing Is Essential
Relationships that thrive come from two whole individuals, not two broken pieces trying to fit together. Therapy, counseling, and personal growth are crucial—especially for those of us in our 40s and 50s, who have lived through marriage, long-term relationships, or extended singleness. - Presence Is Powerful
Being fully present isn’t just a skill—it’s a mindset. Whether it’s pausing to listen, putting aside distractions, or making eye contact, presence communicates value. This ties into the A.T.O.M. Principle I’ve developed, which starts with acknowledging and assessing where we are and invites us to turn inward and upward for the grace to grow. - Emotional Safety Is Non-Negotiable
Creating a space where you can relax and let your guard down requires trust, vulnerability, and mutual effort. Survival mode fades when softness is met with care and understanding.
Time to Reflect
Relationships should bring peace, not chaos; reciprocity, not resentment. If you’ve found yourself stuck in survival mode, maybe it’s time to pause and assess where you are and what you need to move forward into a healthier, more fulfilling connection.
A’s Love Actions
- This week, pray for discernment in your relationships. Ask God to reveal whether the connections you’re making are aligned with His purpose for your life.
- Practice being soft, even in difficult conversations. If you need to say, “This isn’t working,” do so with kindness and grace.
- Meditate on Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust that God will guide you as you navigate relationships, bringing clarity and peace.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Let’s talk about what it means to create softness and reciprocity in relationships.
