“Removing Barriers: Supporting Father-Child Bonds as a Divorced Mom”
When I became a single mom, I knew my son’s relationship with his father would be crucial for his emotional well-being. Despite our divorce and my ex-husband’s limited involvement in parenting, I made the conscious choice to become a bridge between them. It wasn’t always easy, but I was determined to prioritize my son’s long-term emotional health over short-term frustrations. This journey taught me valuable lessons about forgiveness, intentionality, and the power of putting my child’s needs first.
The Foundation: Choosing Forgiveness
Forgiveness became the cornerstone of successful co-parenting. This wasn’t about excusing my ex-husband’s limited involvement, but rather about releasing bitterness that could poison my son’s perspective. I didn’t want my personal pain to shape how my son viewed his father, so I made the intentional decision to let go of resentment.
Guided by Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” I learned to speak respectfully about my son’s father and focus on fostering peace. Forgiveness wasn’t a one-time act—it was a process I had to revisit regularly, especially during moments when his father’s inconsistency frustrated me.
Choosing forgiveness also aligned with the A.T.O.M. Principle, particularly the steps of Turn Inward & Turn Upward. Turning inward meant recognizing my own feelings of hurt and addressing them honestly, while turning upward allowed me to lean on God for strength. This process reminded me that forgiveness was as much for my own peace as it was for my son’s well-being.
Becoming the Bridge
Since my ex-husband wasn’t actively co-parenting, I took on the responsibility of maintaining their connection. I didn’t want my son to grow up feeling disconnected from his father or questioning his own worth because of his dad’s absence. As a bridge between them, I made it my mission to create opportunities for their relationship to flourish, even when it felt one-sided. This meant:
- Facilitating Communication: I reminded my son to call or message his dad, especially on important occasions like birthdays or holidays. When his father didn’t always respond, I encouraged my son to keep reaching out, reminding him that effort was worthwhile.
- Creating Opportunities to Bond: Whenever his father visited or reached out, I supported their time together without hesitation.
- Highlighting Positive Aspects: I avoided criticizing his father in front of him instead focusing on his dad’s strengths or positive memories they shared.
- Encouraging Outreach: Even when responses were inconsistent, I reassured my son that it was okay to keep trying. My goal was to nurture his confidence in his efforts to maintain the relationship.
This role aligned with Acknowledge & Assess, another step in the A.T.O.M. Principle. I acknowledged the challenges of the situation and assessed what was within my control—my ability to support their bond. While I couldn’t force my ex-husband to take a more active role, I could create an environment where communication and connection were possible.
Removing Barriers, Not Creating Them
Many divorced parents unknowingly create obstacles between their children and ex-spouses, often due to unresolved pain. I chose a different path, guided by Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” My focus was on removing barriers, not creating them, which meant:
- Never Speaking Negatively About His Father: I didn’t allow my frustrations to spill into conversations with my son. I wanted him to form his own relationship with his dad, free from my influence.
- Supporting Bonding Opportunities: When my son’s father wanted to see him, I facilitated those moments without hesitation, even if it required rearranging my schedule.
- Focusing on Long-Term Well-Being: I reminded myself that my efforts weren’t about immediate results—they were about giving my son the foundation for healthy relationships throughout his life.
- Setting Aside Personal Frustrations: There were times when my feelings toward my ex-husband could have clouded my judgment, but I chose to prioritize my son’s emotional needs over my own.
This approach also tied into the Move Forward step of the A.T.O.M. Principle. Moving forward meant setting aside personal grievances and taking proactive steps to foster my son’s emotional growth. It wasn’t about dwelling on what his father didn’t do—it was about focusing on what I could do to ensure my son felt loved and supported.
The Rewards of Intentionality
Today, I see the fruits of these choices. Though my ex-husband wasn’t present for much of our son’s upbringing, we now share a respectful relationship as grandparents. He has expressed gratitude for my role in maintaining their connection, acknowledging the effort it took to keep communication open.
Now, as we celebrate our grandchildren together, there’s a sense of mutual understanding and peace. The intentional choices I made—to forgive, to encourage communication, and to remove barriers—paved the way for this positive dynamic. My son has grown into a confident, loving man who honors both his parents, and for that, I am deeply grateful.
A Message to Other Divorced Moms
To every divorced mom navigating the complexities of co-parenting: you hold significant influence over your child’s relationships with both parents. By choosing forgiveness, becoming a bridge, and avoiding unnecessary barriers, you create an environment where your children can thrive emotionally and relationally.
This journey isn’t about perfection—it’s about purpose. Your efforts to foster positive relationships, even in challenging circumstances, can create a lasting impact for generations to come. Remember that God’s grace is sufficient to guide you through the difficult moments, and His wisdom will illuminate the path forward.
Reflection Questions
- What small steps can you take this week to encourage your child’s relationship with their father?
- Are there any barriers—intentional or unintentional—you need to remove?
- How can prayer and forgiveness guide you toward healthier co-parenting?
